This by far will be the hardest thing to accomplish on my list. It’s been almost four years since I’ve met the one guy that means the most to me in my life. I have issues trusting people because in the past I have trusted all of the wrong people. He is one of three people that know the most about me in my life. I always try telling him how I feel, but it must always be the wrong time. He just shrugs some of it off and says that I’m just confused about what I feel. I know I’m not confused, and I am pretty sure that I am very close to loving him. I just have to push away these feelings and think that right now we will never date. We cannot date, that’s the thing. We would both get in trouble for it, and I’m leaving it at that. The other day he said that I would get jealous if he got a girlfriend. Yes, maybe I would be jealous but I would also be a good friend and look out for him. If I saw that she was treating him wrong, I would stop it. That is just the kind of person I am. I do not think he quite understands that, because he has been hurt by people in the past. Yes, maybe I am mean to him at times and maybe I pick fights just because I am upset. But that does not mean I am going to turn my back on you and push him away or lie to his face. I do it because it comes with me being sad all the time. Little things set me off, and then it turns into pretty much everything in my day. I try to be the best friend that one can have, but sometimes I just feel like he does not want me around. He gets pretty depressed himself, and I am the kind of person that always wants to help someone, and it breaks my heart when I cannot make him happy. For once in my life, I want to see him truly happy. Even if it is with another woman. It would just make me feel better if I saw that he had no cares or worries to bother him anymore. He is my best friend, and I do not think he realizes that. Or if he does, he just does not want to say it back. He always says that I am a good friend and that he likes talking to me, which I guess can be a good sign. I have told him this before, and it probably sounds like the craziest thing in the world, but I cannot see myself without him in my life. I just do not know what I would do if he walked out. There was one day he told me that he never wanted to talk to me again, I had a panic attack. I could not breathe and was crying uncontrollably. It was one of the worst feelings that I have ever had. I never want to lose my best friend, and it even makes me want to cry at the moment thinking about it. Talking to him makes me happy even if I do not express it. Something that I even find weird is that when I am with another guy, I am always thinking about him. They can be the sweetest guy in the world, but I will still imagine myself in his arms. I guess that is just because I trust him so much and I feel safe in his arms. The reason I typed all of this is because I decided to write him a letter. He may never get to read this, but I want to have it just in case I decide to give it to him one day. Who knows, maybe he is the guy I am supposed to marry and he will be reading it before our wedding. I guess I just hold on to him and continue to like him because maybe one day he will feel the same way about me. I will never give up that hope that it could happen. I know this whole thing does not sound healthy at all, but trust me it is an amazing feeling. I love when I get to spend time with him and we just get to sit there talking. Maybe we hold hands, or I play with his hair. One thing I do know is that I love feeling the warmth of his body next to mine and hearing that his heart beats extra fast when he is around me. I just hope that one day, he has the courage to tell me how he feels. And the hope that I have the courage to give him my letter. If you read this, I would love to hear what you think on the subject. I always like hearing opinions about this subject. I have been told to just give up on him before, but for some reason I just cannot do it. Maybe this is truly what love is.
